Let the Baby Making Experience Commence

FINALLY!

I'm feeling more like myself.  I think I'm still a wee-bit down, but I'm feeling better and better every day!  Bleeding has finally stopped, I've started charting (and have convinced myself that I'm somehow doing it wrong) and I'm ready to get back to exercising.

Since I'm painfully terrified about having another miscarriage, I've been doing my research and I will begin for the next 53 days (I'm such a nerd, I have a ticker on my phone to tell me when we can start TTC again) to prepare this body to carry a beautiful and healthy baby for nine months. 

First order of business:  Pre natals!... Well that's easy... I'm already taking them

Next: Red Raspberry Leaf Tea... 

So the jury's out on this one.  I've read that it can help with fertility and preventing miscarriage, and I've read the exact opposite... It can cause miscarriages...  Hmmm... which way to go with this one?  I'm going to start drinking it now.  I figure I have two months to tone up that uterus and get it good and healthy for a baby to want to stay there.  I think once I ovulate for (hopefully) the last time in nine months I might nix it from the diet during the 2 week wait.  But if anyone has had any experience or knows of anyone who has anything good/bad/ugly to say about it, I would love to hear it.





But onto Non-Baby Making News....  Today is my Birthday!!  I'm a good 27 years old today.  Crazy!  I'm a little sad I'm not able to spend it with my family (Mom and Dad are in Dubai and my brother is in Jakarta) but overall it's chalking up to be a great day!

And... My husband had his first DJ event on Saturday!  I'm so proud of him:

Gorgeous guy!  He is so charismatic!  They loved him!  So if you are in the Alberta/BC area and need a DJ for anything check him out!

TTA... for now.

So, it's been almost a week and I'm feeling less down, but still really sick and tired.  I'm exhausted, completely exhausted.  I just want to get back into my life and it's so hard when I have zero energy to do anything.  I've decided to stop fighting it and give myself til Monday.  Restart everything on Monday, which also happens to be my birthday!

My husband and I also talked about it and have decided to wait for a couple of months before trying to conceive again.  My doctor was really shocked that we were able to get pregnant on our first month of (sort of) trying.  So I've started charting and we've rethought the whole TTC business.  Before we were just flying by the seat of our pants, this time it will be a well planned out system. 

Since I'm such a geek I went online and checked potential due dates for when we are TTC.  Seems so planned, but why the hell not?!  My girlfriend just announced her pregnancy (which is still super raw to hear about) and I don't want to get pregnant right away after her.  And if we got pregnant the cycle after we would have a November due date and my husband's family has about 10 people with birthdays in November.  I never wanted to have a baby right before Christmas because I think that would suck for him or her to have a birthday so close.  But I checked out our due dates for getting preggo the end of March and we would have a due date of December 31st!  My Mom was born on that day so I'm thinking it's a sign to wait until then to TTC again.

I'm so excited to have a baby, but I want to do this right.  I can't help but feel that I should have been more into planning the pregnancy and doing it all right instead of just throwing away the birth control pills and "seeing what happens".  I feel like that attitude is partially the reason I miscarried.  I'm terrified that there is something wrong with me and that I will have another miscarriage after getting pregnant again.  If you are reading this and have any suggestions to quell the fear beast instead of me, I gladly welcome them.

Back to Work/Started Charting

Back to work today...  Which is a good thing!

I'm feeling so low and slow.  I can't tell if I'm physically exhausted or if it's a depression thing.  I don't have much of an appetite so I'm thinking it's depression.  I don't want to feel this way.  It's funny, you never know how you are going to react until something like this happens.  I sort of feel like I'm being a bit of a baby.  I was only five weeks along, had only just found out.  I can't imagine having a miscarriage later on the pregnancy, my heart goes out to all the women who have later term miscarriages or stillborns.  Even worse, women who have been trying to conceive for some time only to have it end tragically.  We were lucky in that it was our first shot at trying to make a baby.

Now for decisions, decisions.  When to start trying again.  My husband wants to start immediately, but I don't know if I'll be ready.  I'm thinking of waiting a month or two and seeing how I feel then.  I also sneaked a peek at due date calendars and if we get pregnant at the end of March/beginning of April we could potentially have a New Years baby, which would be very special for us (My Mom is a News Years baby).  But c'est la vie.  You can't always plan these things, but this gives me something to look forward to.

I'm having a bit of a hard time with a friend.  She has been trying to conceive for months now and it's finally happened for her.  She actually called me to share her wonderful news while I was waiting at Doc #1 (alas: Dr. Douchebag McGee).  I'm so happy for her and her husband, but it's sort of still a little too raw to start hearing about how excited she is.  It sucks because I don't want to steal her thunder.  I'm just keeping my mouth shut and avoiding the whole thing for the time being.  Time will heal, but right now I'm just not going to expect that of myself.

So onto some positives:
I start charting this morning.  First temperature taking.  I bought a pretty pink Basal Thermometer and used it this morning.  I started getting grumpy when it took nearly three minutes to register, but it's done.  First day done!  I'm doing this to figure out my body more.  I've also read that charting your temperature every day in your first trimester can help you spot a miscarriage before it happens.  Not that I'm thinking it will happen again, it's just that I don't want to have to go back to another Dr. and sit and wait in those waiting rooms for the dreaded news.  It would be nice if I already knew my body enough.  Plus, I can wake up every morning feeling reassured!

I'm trying to look at some silver linings to this miscarriage cloud.  It's my Birthday next Monday and that means that I will be able to go out to the Sheesha bar and smoke sheesha and drink alcohol for my birthday.  Not as cool as having a baby, but I'm taking what I can here.

I'm also going to start training again for the Underwear Affair 10 km run.  I don't know if I have it in me to run today, so I might just hit the pool and swim and soak in a hot tub (another thing I can now do) and just keep listening for my body to tell me it's ready to be pushed again.  I'm hoping soon.  I miss running, it clears my head and makes me feel happier.

Visit the the Doctor and Closure

So I found out I was pregnant on Thursday.  I was ecstatic, scared, hopeful, joyous, a bundle of nerves all wrapped up in my body.  My husband and I had just returned from our "honeymoon/visit with my parents" in Dubai.  It was a wonderful vacation and we were excited to see if we had conceived on our first cycle trying and if it had happened in Dubai.  I was actually conceived in Abu Dhabi and was hopeful that our first child was also be conceived just a hop, skip and a jump from where my heart started beating.  Lo-and-behold, we got our wish.

Fast forward to Saturday.  Just walking through the house and I feel wetness...  Hmmm, what's this?  Blood? 

You know the feeling you get when you *know* something is horribly, irreversibily wrong?  Yup, had that feeling.  But against my better judgement, we had the girls (my step daughters) this weekend and took them to the pool.  After swimming for about a half an hour (and freaking out the entire time about the blood) we decided to leave.  I go, get changed and voila, someone has stolen my brand new Uggs that I brought back from Dubai.  So now I'm potentially miscarrying and my boots are gone.  I cried.  And on that note, I hope the scum bag who stole them uses them to walk in front of a speeding bus.  I want to go back to my pool and leave a note on the changing room wall that reads "Thanks for stealing my brand new boots on the day I had a miscarriage.  You truly were the cherry on my cake.  Burn in hell"

So Saturday night, still bleeding but avoiding alcohol during an evening out just in case it's not what I already know it is.

Sunday morning I decide to go to a walk in clinic.  I show up before they open and I'm behind this enourmous woman who refuses to say "Please" or "Thank you" to the receptionist and is insisteningly rude to the support staff.  I'm sitting in my room waiting for the doctor and through the miracle of paper thin walk in clinic walls, I am able to hear the *entire* 45 minute conversation that ensues between this enormous and unhappy woman and the doctor whose English is indicative of someone who recently arrived in the country.  She spoke for 45 MINUTES about the warts on her feet.  WARTS?  There's a display case full of that freezing stuff RIGHT OUTSIDE THE DOCTORS OFFICE!  What's worse, she hasn't even tried this method and is completely insistent that the doctor take care of them for her right now!  He's refusing in his broken English because he will have to charge her $100 to do something that would only cost her $10 if she were to just leave the clinic and go get the freezing stuff RIGHT OUTSIDE THE CLINIC! 

Finally, my turn:  I tell him what I fear is wrong, he doesn't say a word, instead jumps up and runs out of the room, leaving me to wonder if he's going to get a translator to understand what I've told him.  Nope, he grabs the receptionist who gives me a cup to pee in to see if I am pregnant.  I do so and wait and again he comes in and says, "Pregnancy test negative" and turns to go again.... Um, hello??  I'm bleeding, I was pregnant and all I want right now is some fucking information about what's happening to me?!  Nope, all I get from this douche bag is a blood test form I can take and come back three days from now (after he's had his two days off) to get my results.  Gee, that sounds fun.  I'm bleeding, not pregnant and I get to wait three more to days to hear it again.  Where do I sign up?

I go home and cry.  And drink half a bottle of wine.  And I wake up this morning to go to the walk in clinic up the street from me and thankfully I get a woman for a doctor.  One who is my age and with it.  She was kind and gentle and told me that I had miscarried.  I don't need a blood test, she explained, due to my symptoms.  I'm also alright and not dying (always a concern)...

So now what?....  I'm depressed and I don't want to be.  I want to get back to real life...  While waiting for the first douchebag doctor my really close friend called and told me: ta-da, she's pregnant and as far along as I was.  That's hard to hear within an hour of acknowleding your own miscarriage. 

So to end this on a positive note.  I think we are going to wait a couple of months.  I had been planning on running the Underwear Affair in June and I still want to be able to do that.  So let the training begin.  It's something I'm looking forward to and will start tomorrow (provided my body lets me.... c'mon body, let me damn it!  You couldn't hang onto that baby so for christ's sake please let me be able to run!)